The Good Place gang gets a real-life philosophy lesson this week after they discover the awful truth about their Earth-bound experiment.
The four humans have spotted Michael and Janet’s “crazy space door,” and they heard everything those two said about the afterlife, too. Michael plays dumb and tries to lie his way out of it, but eventually confesses the whole scheme: They’re all dead, and they spent 300 years in the afterlife — but time didn’t pass on Earth because time in the afterlife moves not in a straight line, but in a curving loop that spells out the (very silly) name “Jeremy Bearimy” in cursive. The humans are left reeling… especially after Michael breaks the news that their knowledge of the afterlife has “corrupted” their ethical motivation, so they can’t earn any more points and are now doomed to the Bad Place. (“That’s our bad, guys,” Janet tells them.)
They all deal with this news in their own way: Eleanor decides “being good is pointless” and heads to the nearest bar, lying and bullying her way into a free birthday margarita. Tahani enlists Jason to help her give away her sizable fortune to strangers on the street, in an effort to buy her way into the Good Place. And Chidi takes it hardest of all, falling into a pit of nihilistic despair and wandering around aimlessly, quoting Nietzsche to a homeless guy: “God is dead. God remains dead, and we have killed him.” (Also, he takes his shirt off, and Chidi is surprisingly ripped? But that’s neither here nor there.)
It’s looking pretty grim for Team Cockroach until Eleanor finds a wallet on the floor of the bar. At first, she thinks she’ll just snatch the cash and run, but something stops her. She runs all over town trying to track down the owner, and when she finally finds him, he reveals there was an adorable drawing inside the wallet from his daughter that he considers his good-luck charm, telling Eleanor she’s “a good person” for returning it. She tears up, and goes back to a despondent Chidi — who’s cooking up a pot of chili with marshmallow Peeps and M&Ms in front of his university students, because nothing matters — to tell him she has a new plan.
They find Michael and Janet, along with Tahani and Jason — who got married, by the way, so Tahani could give him half her money! — and Eleanor announces that while the six of them are indeed “doomed,” they do have one option: “We can try. Try to do good.” They can help other people get into the Good Place, she says: “It’s better than not trying.” The others agree to join her “Soul Squad,” even Chidi, who seems to be emerging from his funk. One problem, though: Larry Hemsworth shows up, ready to jet off to London with Tahani to plan their wedding. Oops.
The Good Jokes:
* Chidi’s “Who, What, When, Where… Wine!” grocery store T-shirt — which they should definitely start selling on NBC’s website.
* Michael’s terrible fake FBI names: “My name is Special Agent Rick Justice, and this is Lisa ‘Frenchy’ Fuqua.”
* Michael, on how easy it would be to just kill the humans: “Their bodies are very poorly made. They’re mostly goo and juice. You just take the juice out, and then they’re dead!”
* Eleanor, after telling everyone, “See you in hell!”: “You know what I just realized: I always say that when leaving a room, but right now, it’s accurate. I will literally see all of you in hell!”
* Jason proudly announcing that “in Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me because I kissed a bat on a dare.”
* Michael slooooowly hunting and pecking on the computer keyboard until Janet impatiently takes over.
* Eleanor’s new life rules, which include “no more Spider-Man movies! There’s way too many Spider-Man movies! Too many dorky, little twerpy Spider-Men.”
* Eleanor defending America’s inherent selfishness: “If you need surgery, you just beg for money on the Internet! It’s a perfect system!”
* Jason handing out a bundle of Tahani’s cash to a street violinist: “Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar!”
* The banker, reluctant to hand Tahani’s money to Jason: “We’re technically supposed to shut down the bank if anyone from Florida even walks in.”
* Michael planning out what he wants to do on Earth with Janet: “I know it’s touristy, but I’d really like to visit a Lenscrafters.”
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