Nine things we learnt about The Apprentice including Tom dodging a bullet and Jackie and Khadija's incredible comedy double act

Proof again on this show that you can talk the talk, but that doesn’t save you from having to walk the walk.

Here are nine things we learned from week seven’s turf wars.

Train station = gardening. Because of course it does

Back on form with unnecessarily pointless meet-up locations, the candidates assembled at the new Elizabeth Line station, the first building to be completed in the Crossrail project.

The question was, which aspect of transport were they to be tasked with this time?

Lord Sugar: “Urban gardening is a new big trend.”

That’s right. None of them. They’d be moving plant pots, in a slightly imaginative way, around fourth-storey terraces.

Don’t think for a minute, however, that the railway was completely irrelevant to this week’s assignment.

If sweeping leaves isn’t vital to trains running on time, I don’t know what is.

The BBC needs to book that salon owner for next year’s series

There has never been a decent team name conjured up by anyone on The Apprentice. Not ever. Never.

So please, BBC, sign up the owner of that brilliantly named unisex hairdressers who hired Team Collaborative.

Barber Streisand. Genius.

There’s more vegetation on Mars than Tom’s rooftop terrace makeover

Of all people, Tom, the tree surgeon, should have walked this task.

Instead, he abandoned the big-money corporate gig on day two, leaving Sabrina and Jasmine to transform an office rooftop into a “minimalistic” landscape, with the centrepiece being a “half-dead tree”.

It was so barren and devoid of plant life, the Gobi Desert would have been embarrassed.

Ground control to Major Tom. We have a problem.

Daniel’s renovation was oh so “magical”

Team Collaborative’s client wanted an “urban jungle”.

So project manager Daniel got to work, promising to transform her dream into reality: “Obviously it’s quite a lot of work because we’re trying to create this magical world.”

One swish of his wand later…

And nothing says “urban jungle” quite like “two mid-priced rolls of astroturf from Homebase”. Magical.

Daniel, the man who can make dreams… disappear.

The producers are nothing if not cruel. And brilliant

Jackie asked her team: “Do we have a strategy?”

The answer? Why, yes, Jackie, yes we do.

We’re going to dress Camilla as one half of Bill & Ben, the Flowerpot Men, in a sunflower fancy dress costume.

Erm… that’s it.

Tom dodged a bullet

Kayode can consider himself unlucky to be fired, given project manager Tom’s green-fingered background.

But when push came to shove and teammate Jasmine asked the perfectly reasonable question of their soon-to-be-dismayed corporate client: “What price is she going to put on basically having a few plants and flowers and a half-painted bench?” the answer was clear.

Kayode’s head on a spike.

Daniel talks out of his leaf-blower

Well, of course he does. This is The Apprentice, after all.

But this chump seems to specialise in it more than most.

Here he was marshalling his troops on the morning of day one: “In terms of pricing structure, because this is ultimately sales, I want to go as high as possible.”

Daniel, that afternoon, having heard his underlings had dutifully carried out his orders to the letter and, therefore, priced themselves out of the market: “Super, super, super disappointed with the sub-team.

“They should have been more savvy. They should have gone in at a more reasonable price.”

Never tempt fate on The Apprentice

It’s this show’s golden rule. Turns out, no one seems to have told Tom.

He confidently proclaimed ahead of the boat restaurant renovation: “As long as we make sure that the van with all the materials is going to that exact address then logistically we’ll be sound.”

Day two, aaaaand cue Kayode: “Where’s the van?”

It’s not there, Kayode. The driver’s stood outside it, still at base, and doesn’t have the initiative to find out the directions.

And he has all the tools in there. Well, apart from those stood on the boat waiting for a van that hasn’t turned up, anyway.

Jackie and Khadija make a great comedy double-act

This pair were falling out before they’d even got to their first job. (“WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?!!”)
And when they got there, it was comedy gold.

Hour after hour they slogged, turning a slightly scruffy patio into a boggy wasteland, with neither able to figure out how the jet-wash worked.

Instead, with a watering can and broom in hand, they moved muddy water around the floor before, in an epiphany, remembering they were armed with a leaf-blower.

And then used it to blow muddy water all up the walls, before being thrown out by the exasperated owner: “Sorry, I just want you out of my shop now.”

Jackie and Khadija, this is the BBC’s Comedy Department. You’re hired.

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