Why Some Men Need to STFU After Sex

Phoebe Robinson—the comedian, actress, bestselling writer, and one dope half of the crazy-successful podcast and HBO standup series, 2 Dope Queens—is down for some booty, not critiques of her own. In this excerpt from her new collection of essays, Everything’s Trash but It’s Okay, from Cosmo‘s November issue, writes about getting negged post-hook up.

Most erotic novels depict sex with nauseating phrases, like her center, flesh mound, and the heart of her femininity. I don’t want to put you through that. Besides, it’s what happens after sexy times that we really need to talk about.

Back in 2010, I had hooked up with a guy we’ll call Eric. Upon exiting the bone zone, we engaged in some small talk. After a couple of beats of silence, homeboy took on a serious tone and said, “Ya know…there are exercises you can do to tone up your thighs.”

Record scratch! Nope!

Y’all, this is the biggest nope I done noped in my life. ­Bigger than the nope I feel when I see a grown-ass dude ­wearing Crocs with socks and bigger than the nope I screamed when a pigeon drive-by pooped on my arm and friends told me that means good luck. Anyway, Eric was cruel, but I didn’t have the strength or self-love to kick him out of my apartment.

You should be grateful AF that this Black-leesi said yes to sex with you.

Instead, I was silent.

He continued: “Yeah, you could be more toned, but no worries, you don’t need to lose weight. This is an easy fix.”

Unless your name is Bobby McFerrin, singer of “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” don’t insult me then drop a dollop of “no worries” on top like it’s Cool Whip on a slice of peach cobbler. My thighs don’t need fixing because they’re not a problem! They are two strong cocoa-colored powerhouses that my niece climbs and hangs from yet are tender enough to be the star of a six-piece drumstick box from KFC. You should be grateful AF that this Black-leesi said yes to sex with you.


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HI Q HI! The #EverythingsTrash book tour is officially here! I’m so pumped to come to a city near you, meet your beautiful faces, sign books, & twerk for tips. J/K! Most shows will be a fun hybrid of stand-up and maybe a little Q&A before book signing. That’s right, I’ll be doing brand material from what y’all saw on last year’s YQY Tour, so you have to see what I’m talking about. OK, it’ll be about bae’s foreskin, so not that different. #Ig #MyPublisherDidntApproveThisMessage. ANYWAY! Some shows will be stand-up and the other shows will feature guests like @vanessabayer moderating our discussion at the book launch on Oct. 15th at @gramercytheatre AND @tignotaro hanging with me at @thelincolndc for @bentzenball on Oct. 25th – so this is a can’t miss! So click on link in my bio to come to see me (NOTE: a copy of da book comes with purchase of tix except at Lawrence, KS and Austin, TX appearances!!). It’s gonna lit and I will be rocking my natch swinging little flat titties in celebration instead of padded bras. #EmbraceThePancakes #IHOPIsAboutMyTittiesAndNotTheirBooBooAssBurgers #ThisDerailedQuickly. ANYWAY! Hope to see you on the road. If you can make it, please pre-order the book, so I can end up on NYT best sellers list. #NYTBestSellersListOrBust. Love you. Mean it. #YQY Hair: @naivashaintl Makeup: @delinamedhin Photographer: @withreservation

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And just when I didn’t think it could get worse, Eric jumped out of bed, threw on his underwear, and literally demonstrated a series of exercises I could do to, in his words, “make [my] body better.”

Turns out getting negged post-coit is commonplace among my straight girlfriends.

And with that, let’s add “telling someone the ‘flaws’ that their body needs ‘fixing’” to the list of things you don’t ever say to someone immediately after sex, which includes “I killed a guy” and “Train is my favorite band.”

Kidding aside, turns out getting negged post-coit is commonplace among my straight girlfriends. Some have been told they get “too wet” down there, others “take too long” to come, while others are not thin enough to date ­publicly but are good enough for “sex on the DL.” One buddy of mine engaged in period sex only to be told by the guy mid-deed that he didn’t enjoy the way her vagina smelled while she was on her period. Are. You. Kidding. Me?!

For too long, women have had to deal with this type of body shaming that some men have thought is perfectly acceptable. But let’s return to #Thighgate2010, because every lady I know has some self-esteem issues in part due to outside sources like Eric. And we all respond differently.

Some work out more. Or eat more. Or starve. Or feel unworthy. Or do the thing that I used to do, which I never, ever will again: try to prove to him as well as myself why my body and, to a lesser degree, why I, was good enough.

Adapted from Everything’s Trash, but It’s Okay, by Phoebe Robinson, to be published on October 16, by Plume, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © 2018 by Phoebe Robinson.

For more relationship advice, pick up the November 2018 issue on newsstands October 9, or click here to subscribe to the digital edition.

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